Holidays

Main discordian holidays

Mungday

Celebration of the Apostle Hung Mung. Mungday is generally on Chaos 5.
According to Wikipedia:
Mung is computer jargon for “to make repeated changes which individually may be reversible, yet which ultimately result in an unintentional, irreversible destruction of large portions of the original item.”
Appropriate activities include thigh-slapping, laughing, ripping off other people’s ideas, and hunting cabbages.
Participants in Operation Mindfuck that share a sense of irony will focus on strategies that use ignorance to frustrate Greyface.
The Coming of the Great White Handkerchief will almost certainly be on Mungday.

On the teachings and imitations of Saint Hung Mung
Setting Orange Chaos 5, 3169 by Anno Lumina

Hung Mung is a Sage of Ancient China and Official Discordian Missionary to the Heathen Chinese. He who originally devised THE SACRED CHAO. Patron of the Season of Chaos.
On Setting Orange Chaos 5 (January 5th), Discordians set aside the day to remember and commune with Saint Hung Mung, whose name means Primal Chaos, sage of Ancient China, inventor of the Sacred Chao, Official Missionary to the Heathens, leader of Operation Mindfuck and patron of the season of Chaos.
This is the season of Chaos, the ancient universe as earliest humans saw it, where anything and everything is REAL. Apostle Hung Mung came out of this mindset and planted the seeds of the Taoist religion, whose followers don’t apply their force to the universe, but instead allow the universe to guide their force.
Hung Mung appears in the writings of old Chaung Tzu, where he responds to the inquiries of Great Knowledge by by laughing and slapping his knee and shouting, “I don’t know! I don’t know!” His name 鴻蒙 means “silly goose” in Chinese, and the Planet Eris was discovered on Mung Day, 3171… HAIL ERIS!!!

A Mungday Tale
by Dr Jon Swabey

“Great Knowledge was traveling east, carried along upon the wings of a whirlwind. Suddenly he met Hung Mung, who was jumping around, slapping his thighs and hopping like a bird. Great Knowledge saw this and stopped dead, standing still in respect, and said, ‘Elderly man, who are you? What are you doing?’
Hung Mung continued to slap his thighs and hop like a bird, then replied, ‘Enjoying myself!
Great Knowledge said, ‘I would like to ask a question.’
Hung Mung looked at Great Knowledge and said, ‘That’s a shame!’
Great Knowledge said, ‘The very breath of Heaven is no longer in harmony. Earth’s very breath is ensnared, the six breaths do not mix, the four seasons do not follow each other. Now I want to combine the six breaths in order to bring life to all things. How do I do this?’
Hung Mung slapped his thighs, hopped around and said, ‘I don’t know, I don’t know!’
Great Knowledge could go no further with his questioning. But three years later, traveling east, he passed the wilderness of Sung and came upon Hung Mung again. Great Knowledge, very pleased, rushed towards him, stood before him and said, ‘Heaven, have you forgotten me? Heaven, have you forgotten me?’ Bowing his head twice, he asked for teaching from Hung Mung.
Hung Mung said, ‘Wandering everywhere, without a clue why. Wildly impulsive, without a clue where. I wander around in this odd fashion, I see that nothing comes without reason. What can I know?’
Great Knowledge replied, ‘I also seem carried on by an aimless influence, and yet the people follow me wherever I go. I cannot help their doing so. But now as they thus imitate me, I wish to hear a word from you.’
Hung Mung said, ‘Ah! your mind needs to be nourished. Do you only take the position of doing nothing, and things will of themselves become transformed. Neglect your body; cast out from you your power of hearing and sight; forget what you have in common with things; cultivate a grand similarity with the chaos of the plastic ether; unloose your mind; set your spirit free; be still as if you had no soul. Of all the multitude of things every one returns to its root. Every one returns to its root, and does not know that it is doing so. They all are as in the state of chaos, and during all their existence they do not leave it. They do not ask its name; they do not seek to spy out their nature; and thus it is that things come to life of themselves.'”
Not claiming to know anything, Primal Chaos reveals everything to informed curiosity – though not usually in a very orderly format. In becoming acquainted with this sage who knows nothing and does not care that he does not know anything, we can learn enough to accomplish nearly anything.”

Chaoflux

Holyday of the season of Chaos. Celebrated on the 50th day of that season.
Very little is known about this holyday. What we do is, we pretty much made up as we went along.

Celebration

All your base are belong to us. Therefore, using Stumbleupon, pick the fifth website, translate into your favorite fictional language, and memorize your favorite paragraph. Mutter it quietly or sing it loudly as the situation demands.
Chaoflux is also about changing into discord, a more or less organized version of chaos. This can be accomplished by convincing your friends and closer to change their minds about decisions that they make through out the day.
A traditinal chaosflux feast consist of mac and cheese with bacon , an 4/5 glass of sake and some supermarket sushi.

St. Tib’s Day

St. Tib’s Day falls between the 59th and 60th of every fourth Chaos. This one occurrence in four years compounds the cycle of five.
What little is known about St. Tib has likely been made up entirely.

Controversy

Luckily, there is some debate about how this day is to be scheduled. There are even dueling popes!
From Pope Max Flax Beeblewax:
Though the Principia Discordia says that the day occurs once every 4 years, it first says that the Discordian and Gregorian calendars are perpetually aligned. Thus, we can reason that we actually only insert St. Tib’s Day into every 4th year that does not end in 66, unless that year’s century is 3 more than a multiple of 4. For example, 3166 does contain a St. Tib’s Day, but 3066 didn’t and 3266 won’t.
And from Pope Jess Cully comes a differing point of viewEdit
The Discordian Calendar will thus diverge from the Gregorian on St. Tib’s Day 3266 (March 1, 2100 Gregorian). From 3267 to 3366, the Discordian year will begin on January 2 Gregorian.
Those who wish to express the relationship between the Discordian and Roman Calendars in an invariable way may do so thus: The Discordian year begins on December 19 according to the Julian Calendar.

Conclusion?

A Gregorian parallel maintains five quite nicely. Diverging from this, however, will maintain five quite nicely.

Celebration

Tell everyone today is your birthday. Figure out how old you would be if you only had a birthday once every leap year. Act your age. Determine if you’re of legal age to drive, raise children, buy a gun, gamble, leave school, get a job, drink, get married, get drafted, sign a contract, vote, run for parliament or congress, have sexual congress, have sexual congress for money, retire, or walk across the street by yourself. Realize how silly having a legal age for everything really is, and how arbitrary it is, and how it doesn’t recognize the individual as an individual, and how it’s all culturally-biased ageism anyway. Forget about age limits, and do whatever you want. If you’re lucky, maybe you can convince them you’re too young to get arrested for doing any of the above (but don’t count on it).

Mojoday

Holyday of Discord honoring Dr Van Van Mojo. Mojoday is generally on Discord 5. Called Lingananda by the POEE.

Celebration

A day honouring Nat on the 19th march 2009. Have an argument with a friend over which Five Star Saint’s holyday it really is–especially in front of people who haven’t the faintest idea what you’re talking about. Take turns chanting “Mojo” and “Lingananda.” Switch sides. Use as many obscure Discordian references as possible. Good places for this are parks, buses, and city council meetings.

Discoflux

Holyday of Discord. Celebrated on the 50th day of that season.

Celebration

The Principia Discordia doesn’t indicate what to do, but do something that promotes Discord, or maybe Disco.
Dress as you would to go to a disco sometime in the 1950s through 1970s, imagine you’re the Disco King or Queen (or both), then begin dancing to the music in your head. Pretend the discotheque is at your local market, a playground, or in front of a house of worship. Leave before the police arrive. If one shows up before you depart, tell the officer, “Love the threads. Wanna boogie?” If the officer declines the invitation, apologize profusely for your mistake and claim you forgot to take your medication.
Better yet, forget the whole thing.

Syaday

Syaday is a holyday that occurs on the 5th day of Confusion. It is dedicated to the Apostle Sri Syadasti.

Celebration

This Holiday is celebrated by altering your own consciousness in any way that is permissible to your superego and repeating the following affirmation 666 times:
Sri Syadasti Syadavaktavya Syadasti Syannasti Syadasti Cavaktavyasca Syadasti Syannasti Syadavatavyasca Syadasti Syannasti Syadavaktavyasca
In the alternative, some prefer a chant:
Unlike a song, chants are not sung but chanted. This particular one is much enhanced by the use of a Leader to chant the Sanskrit alone, with all participants chanting the English. It also behooves one to be in a quiet frame of mind and to be sitting in a still position, perhaps The Buttercup Position. It also helps if one is absolutely zonked out of his gourd.
RUB-A-DUB-DUB O! Hail Eris. Blessed St. Hung Mung.
SYA-DASTI O! Hail Eris. Blessed St. Mo-jo.
SYA-DAVAK-TAVYA O! Hail Eris. Blessed St. Zara-thud.
SYA-DASTI SYA-NASTI O! Hail Eris. Blessed St. Elder Mal.
SYA-DASTI KAVAK-TAV-YASKA O! Hail Eris. Blessed St. Gu-lik.
SYA-DASTI, SYA-NASTI, SYA-DAVAK-TAV-YASKA O! Hail Eris. All Hail Dis-cord-ia.
RUB-A-DUB-DUB
It is then repeated indefinitely, or for the first two thousand miles, which ever comes first.

St. George’s Day

28 Confusion is the whollyday of St. George Carlin, known to more literary folk as St. Rufus.

Celebration

Speak truth to power. Make it rude and funny. Bonus points for dressing up as a  Cardnial. Pray exactly fives times to Joe Pesci. Say Fuck 23 times and hour. Watch nothing but his stand-up. Its easy, just go to youtube. Actually it is a wholly Kommandment that you watch George Carlin whenever you want however you want. Or you could masturbate.

Confuflux

Celebrated on the 50th day of Confusion, Confuflux is that season’s Holyday.
Chaos and Discord have come and dropped a great load on us all, resulting in Confusion. This is the fluxiest of holydays, as this is the point at which we are reminded that the Law of Escalation goes both ways: imposition of order leads to an escalation of disorder, naturally; but also the imposition of disorder leads to an escalation of order. Equality is commutative. Next season is Bureaucracy. Party now in preparation.
It’s also the admin’s birthday.

Celebration

This is a legal Discordian religious holiday, recognized by the US government. You are within you rights to demand the day off from work.
Street theater.
Speak to everyone by pronouncing the words as if they were spelled backwards.
Imbibe large quantities of your preferred intoxicant.
Hand out fliers on a street corner that are printed in a made-up language, like Elvish or Theban. If translated they should say, “Cthulhu for President: When you’re tired of voting for the lesser of two evils.”
Perform five completely random and spontaneous acts.
Drive/bike/walk in a direction you have never gone before. Travel randomly. Stop by a gas station and ask for directions to Thuddite Manor.
Unleash your inner maniac.
Wear a tie to the pool, and swimming trunks to the opera.

John Dillinger Day

The John Dillinger Died For You Society, run by a pseudonymous “Dr. Horace Naismith” (allegedly a Playboy editor by day and a maniac only by night), accepts as its savior John Dillinger, the gunman who robbed 23 banks and three police stations before he was shot dead by FBI agents in 1934 (YOLD 3100–ED). JDDFYS members place memorial wreaths and floral bouquets at the Biograph Theater, where Dillinger was gunned down, every year on the anniversary of his death, July 22 (The 57th Day, Pungenday, of the Season of Confusion, the third season in the Discordian Year, ED). Their major spiritual teaching comes from Mr. Dillinger, whom they call St. John the Martyr, and consists of the words, “Lie down on the floor and keep calm,” (St. John said this often to nervous and agitated bank officials before looting their tills). Every member ordained by Dr. Naismith gets a membership card making him or her an Assistant Treasurer, entitled to collect tithes from any new disciple naive enough to remain a disciple and not become an Assistant Treasurer, too, by writing to Dr. Naismith for a card.

Zaraday

Celebration of the Apostle Zarathud. Appropriate activities include inappropriate activities. It is celebrated on the 5th day of Bureaucracy.

Celebration

Zaraday should also be celebrated by studying the Pentabarf he has given, and by carving it into a stone tablet. If one so desires, you may insist upon having it planted in the local courthouse’s lawn.

Bureflux

Holyday of the season of Bureaucracy. Celebrated on the 50th day of that season.
The peak of Bureaucracy’s influence. This is the the greyest of the Whollydays, but it is bittersweet. True, bureaucracy is supreme on this day, but it is the last day that this is so, so celebrate the passing of Bureaucracy! Although it is true that bureaucracy passes due to the inescapable Law of Escalation, and the following season (The Aftermath) is a time of picking up the pieces, we are past the darkest time and proceed onward to the day when Joyous Chaos returns.

Celebration

This is a legal Discordian religious holiday, recognized by the US government, and Discordians are within their rights to demand the day off from work. This isn’t recommended for Bureflux, however, as this particular holiday is best celebrated in places of extreme bureaucracy.
This is an excellent day to perform the Paper Clip Sacrifice at your workplace.
Have an accountant party. Invite every accountant you know to it, and make all nonaccountants dress like accountants and talk constantly using accountant-like nonsense. Instead of business cards, the fake accountants should hand out Pope cards when introducing themselves.
Imbibe large quantities of your preferred intoxicant.
Pie a politician.
Make a cake shaped like a politician’s head (a phallus). Have sex with it or castrate it, as you prefer.

Maladay

Maladay occurs the fifth day of The Aftermath. It is dedicated to Malaclypse The Elder. It is one of the five Apostyle Holydays.

Celebrating

What better way of celebrating the end of Bureaucracy (finally) than a game of Flip the Table!?
For added enjoyment why not leave all the paperwork/briefcases/bills/handgrenades that accumulated during that, the most vile month of the year, Bureaucracy right there on the table while you flip it??? (I know, right: so obvious. But some people choose not to see the obvious in hopes they will rather see the unobvious…but they’re mostly just blind)  This may even be considered a symbolic gesture and, who knows, maybe someone will be enlightened (don’t count on it though…)

Afflux

Holyday of The Aftermath. Celebrated on the 50th day of that season.

Celebration

According to Reverend Loveshade:
Thank Goddess this is the last seasonal holyday we have to figure out something to do for. Thank Goddess it’s getting toward the end of the year. Thank Goddess the aftermath of what you did all year isn’t too bad. Well, not as bad as it could have been.
According to Paternosterprime:
The flux is the gift that keeps on giving.
In Nepal and certain regions of India, the Afflux is celebrated by burning large quantities of sage and dancing on rooftops.
In America and some parts of Europe, Afflux is the Discordian equivilent of Christmas. It is celebrated by placing a pair of strong magnets on either side of a piece of toast and throwing it at someone in a style similar to that used to launch throwing stars. If the target is hit, then he or she is blessed by the Goddess Eris for a full year (something no one in their left minds would want).

Circlemas

Circlemas falls on Aftermath 65, (December 23). On this day circles are pondered, noticed, and appreciated. Celebrants of Circlemas may decorate themselves, their households, or other things with circles and circular patterns, and partake only of circular foods such as cake, pie, and pizza.
Or, they may not.
Some suggested carols for Circlemas include:
The Song That Doesn’t End
Circular Reasoning

 

 


Discordian whollydays and few more holydays

Whollydays

Only eleven dates are named in the Principia Discordia as being worthy of celebration – however, Discordians have felt free to invent other holidays which have become popular to varying degrees.

Cyclical Whollydays

Rev. Dr. Jon tell us that there are additional seasonal days not included in the Principia Discordia. They round out the number of holydays in the Pentagon of the Year to 23.

  • Apostle Day (5th of the Season)
  • Synaptyclypse Day (23th of the Season)
23 Chs — Chaomas
23 Dsc — Discomas
23 Cfn — Confumas
23 Bcy — Buremas
23 Afm — Afmas
I have no idea what these holydays are for, so they will probably end with drunken antics and hallucinogenic fugues.
  • Sloth Day (27th of the Season) – they are celebrated by not doing anything to celebrate them.
27 Chs — Chaosloth
27 Dsc — Discosloth
27 Cfn — Confusloth
27 Bcy — Buresloth
27 Afm — Afsloth
Sloth Days are celebrated by not doing anything to celebrate them.
  • Flux Day (50th of the Season)
  • Eye Day (73rd of the Season)
73 Chs — Mungeye
73 Dsc — Mojeye
73 Cfn — Syadeye
73 Bcy — Zareye
73 Afm — Maleye
Beware the Dreaded Illuminati on Eye Days. Our ancient foes stole Eye Days from us as a time to commit particularly heinous and bloodthirsty acts upon any Discordian they could capture. Make sure your membership paperwork in the AISB is up-to-date and be ready to produce it on demand. In addition, to ensure the readiness of fellow Discordians, pretend to be an inspection agent with the AISB and make surprise checks on their membership paperwork.

Eye Day is celebrated by playing Discordian Games, meditating on the Season just passed, getting ripped off your tits, and making Terrible Mistakes in nightclubs. Make sure you carry at least 5 inches of strong, weight-bearing cord, a packet of chewing gum, a spare pair of undergarments, 144 condoms, the phone number of the local branch of the Scientologists, a small sheet of bubble wrap, and a poem by Emily Dickinson with you at all times.
Beware, also, the Dreaded Illuminati on Eye Days. Our ancient foes stole Eye Day from us as a time to commit particularly heinous and bloodthirsty acts upon any Discordian they could capture. Make sure your membership paperwork in the AISB is up-to-date and be ready to produce it on demand.
In addition, to ensure the readiness of fellow Discordians, pretend to be an inspection agent with the AISB and make surprise checks on their membership paperwork. Many Discordians are lax on this front – feel free to reinforce this lesson using all the Großmütterlich Gefalligkeit at your disposal. Do not hold back – they may be in pain today, but they’ll thank you tomorrow.

A Few More Hollydays

Therefore we present to you some holydays that Ek-sen-trik Discordians and anyone else who so desires can celebrate. (Remember, “holiday” means “holy day.”)

These holydays are identified by source:
DJ is Discordians for Jesus;
ED is the Ek-sen-trik Discordians (Discordian Division of the Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild);
ECG is the Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild;
MH is the Mythics of Harmonia;
PD is Principia Discordia;
EN is Emperor Norton holidays.

These are in a list. Some of them show up more than once, because they’re that good! Many of these were stolen from the Reverend Loveshade and friends:

8 Chaos: Death of Emperor Norton (EN)

Commemorating the Life and Memory of His Imperial Majesty Emperor Norton I, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico, who left us on this day in 3046 YOLD. Celebrated at Colma gravesite.

10 Chaos: Backwards Day, Reformed / Binary Day (ED)

Backwards Day, Reformed (more properly, demrofeR, yaD sdrawkcaB) (ED).  Day to do things backwards.  Walk backwards, dress backwards, talk backwards.  (Driving backwards on a busy freeway is not recommended.  In some jurisdictions, it’ s not advisable to wear a back-less dress or thong bikini backwards.  But it could be fun).  Doing or wearing things inside out or upside down also count.  Check your favorite recordings forbackwards masking.  Pray to sirE.  Hate what you love, love what you hate. This is also a good day to switch positions with a superior or inferior as described for April Fool’s Day.  Children can tell their parents, “Go clean your room and do your homework,” and parents can tell their children, “If you don’t eat your dessert, you won’t get any vegetables.”  Unless, of course, that’s your usual pattern.  (Note that we chose this date as Backwards Day because both the Gregorian and Discordian Dates can be written as 01 10 or 10 01, both of which are the same backwards.)
Binary Day, for those who recognize January 26 as Backwards Day.  It’s basically the same holiday, but focuses more on the bi part.

11 Chaos: RAW Day

Remembering the Life and Words of Saint Mordecai the Foul, who left us on this day in 3173 YOLD.

17 Chaos: Joshmas (EN)

Celebrating the Birth of Joshua Abraham Norton on this day in 2981 YOLD.

18 Chaos: Pat Pineapple Day (ECG)

Honor the ECG Mascot (and Ek-sen-trik Discordian Brigadier and Patron Saint) by consuming something with or associated with pineapple.  Creativity is encouraged.  This is the only day the Order of the Pineapple can be presented.

21 Chaos: Hug Day

Hug your friends.  Hug your loved ones.  Confound your enemies by offering them a hug.  Hugs are free, hugs are healthy, hugs are good.  Which is why they may be illegal in some jurisdictions.

26 Chaos: Backwards Day, Traditional

See Chaos 10.

37 Chaos: Aaron Burr’s Birthday

Positively the most ancient Discordian Holyday, Aaron Burr’s Birthday was first celebrated in 1957, before there even was a Discordian Society, by Lord Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst, who may have used it as an excuse to ditch school. Of course it was presumably observed long before that by Burr himself, who was born on February 6th of 1756. Described in Volume Five (5) of The Encyclopedia Americana as “A precocious youth who would rebel against authority throughout his life…” Burr is nevertheless classed by many Americans as a notorious traitor, second only in infamy to Benedict Arnold, on whose staff he in fact once served.
But, in actual truth, Aaron Burr was “adroit rather than profound,” according to the same volume (five), “with a magnetic personality and a quick mind not overburdened with scruples.” There is, of course, little that is worse than an overburdened mind.
Everyone, practically, knows about Tammany Hall and Boss Tweed, made famous by political cartoonist Thomas Nast. Few realize that it was originally Aaron Burr who converted the Tammany Society into a political machine. Most people have heard of the Chase Manhattan Bank, headquarters of the Rockefeller-Communist Conspiracy. Few realize that Burr was among its founders. Burr was also Vice President under Thomas Jefferson who, in turn, said that Adam Weishaupt, father of the Bavarian Illuminati, was “a great humanitarian”. But enough of these accolades.
On July 11th of 1804, Aaron Burr shot and killed in a duel Alexander Hamilton. For that alone, he deserves the everlasting gratitude of all but landlords and bankers. Moreover, contrary to what is asserted in school books, Hamilton did not first deliberately fire over Burr’s head, in keeping with some gentlemanly custom. As was brought to public attention in the mid-1970’s by the curator of the museum where Hamilton’s pistol is on display, Hamilton had filed down a trigger mechanism (so the gun would have a hair trigger) in order to gain an unfair advantage over poor Burr! Hoisted, however, on his own petard, Hamilton accidentally fired before taking aim.
We celebrate Aaron Burr’s Birthday secure in the knowledge that the man who shot Alexander Hamilton cannot have been all bad.

49 Chaos: The Mary Day (ED)

Honor The Mary, who is Patron Saint, Illuminated, of Bearers of Erisian Tattoos, and also Keeper of the Holy Chao Belly (rub it for good luck–with permission, of course).  This is a good day to do something for a Mary, do something Merry, or even to Marry someone.  (If you are merry about marrying a Mary, you earn extra points).

51 Chaos: Pet Loving Day

A day to love your pet, or someone else’s (willing pets only).

69 Chaos: Head Chicken/Chicken Head Day (MH)

Can only be celebrated with a partner (a flock of partners could work). Tarring and feathering each other before you begin is optional.  You and your partner must be plucked (i.e. au naturel), declare each other chickens, then simultaneously peck each other.  Continue simultaneous pecking to determine who has the best Chicken Head and/or who’s the best Head Chicken.  See who comes in first, and who comes in second.  Then declare yourselves both winners.  (If you want to know where you peck each other, check the Discordian date for a clue.  Another hint: this is also known as Head-Tail/Tail- Head Day.  The holiday can also be celebrated on the 6th day of the 9th month, the 6th month on the 9th day, or any day, really).

72 Chaos: Daytime

Back in the old days, the world was on many conflicting systems of keeping time. While three-quarters time might prevail in one area, elsewhere it was spare time or springtime or due time or ragtime.
So on March 13th of 1884 a bunch of pundits from all over the world met in Washington, DC, and decided everyone should employ Standard Time (used by Standard Oil of New Jersey), based on Greenwich Mean Time (the time I was using in the meantime in Greenwich Village).
Far from perfect, this solution allows it to be one time in London at the exact moment it is some other time entirely in New York or San Francisco or Moscow.
So, on March 13th, we Discordians protest this confusing state of affairs by telling anyone who asks, any time, that it is 5 o’clock — because, somewhere, it is. If they check with another source or, say, note that the sun is directly overhead, we explain we only said that it was 5 o’clock because it is Daytime.
Discordian Eternal Time solves the whole problem of confusion about time by making it, in fact, 5 o’clock everywhere, always. But, unfortunately, most societies would rather do things the complicated way.

4 Discord: Grover Cleveland’s Birthday

No politician besides Grover Cleveland ever won the endorsement of the Orthodox Discordian Society, and we endorse him every four years. Cleveland is well known, highly respected, very experienced and, best of all, completely dead — a quality assuring that he will not pick Daniel Quayle for his running mate.
No sex scandals will ever mar any of his campaigns.
And, besides, what living person can really be trusted with the awesome powers of a nuclear-age presidency?
Grover Cleveland will break no campaign promises and will never abuse his veto power. Nor will he say anything so idiotic that even those who didn’t vote for him will cringe with embarrassment. Cleveland will start no wars, will exact no taxes, will expand no debts, will tell no lies, will keep no secrets in the name of National Security and will not, at any time during his entire term, appoint any morons to high public office.
Can you honestly hope for that much of any other candidate?

 

11 Discord: Discordians for Jesus/Love Your Neighbor Day

Do you love Jesus?  Would you like to love your neighbor?  Then this is the holiday for you!  Tell your Fundamentalist Christian neighbors that the tradition-breaking, authority-challenging, logic- twisting, wise-cracking, trouble-making Jesus of Nazareth was really a proto- Discordian.  Then ask them if they want to love you back.  Be prepared to run.

18 Discord:  April Fool’s Day

Fool friends for fun.  Fool enemies for fun.  Fool yourself for even more fun.  If possible, switch positions/possessions/clothing with your boss, employee, teacher, student, parent, child, master, slave, etc. for the day.  Let them see how hard it really is to be you.  See how easy it is to be them.

19 Discord: St John the Blasphemist’s Day (ED)

Commit blasphemy against Goddess Discordia!  Write your representatives and demand they outlaw “funny religions;” send one hour’s salary to the most Aneristic organization you can think of; or eat a bun with a hot dog made out of the Sacred Chao.  On second thought, recognizing a holy day wouldn’t be blasphemist.  So instead of actually celebrating it, call in sick to work or school and claim a migraine or diarrhea or a swollen pineal gland.  Then spend all day sleeping, going fishing or having sex.

23 Discord: Jake Day

Get a group of people to send letters, postcards, faxes, emails, etc. all to hopefully arrive at some business or government agency you want to Jake on this day (you’re allowed to do Jakes on other days as well, of course).  The messages should address non-existent concerns, imaginary problems, or be just plain weird.  Examples: assert that your family’s woolly mammoth should be allowed to run for king, or that you’re positive the president is actually a pineapple.  Jakes should be fun, not threatening, and are all part of Operation Mindfuck.

34 Discord: Omarmas

Celebrating the Birth of Lord Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst on this day in 3104 YOLD.

43 Discord: Universal Ordination Day

Upon completing 52 years and 11 days of studying the universe, Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst (under his alias of Kerry Wendell Thornley) became an ordained Minister of the Universal Life Church – on April 26th of 1990.
A subtle Buddhist teaching that nobody without the Buddha Mind understands is that when the Buddha was enlightened, the whole universe – with all its sentient beings, inanimate objects and blunt instruments – attained Satori with him.
On April 26th of 1990 the entire cosmos – people, stars, space rubbish and all – became an ordained minister and so anyone or anything is now legally qualified in most states to get drunk at weddings and giggle at funerals, spit holy water, christen puppies and preach salvation by fire and brimstone.
Only an ordained minister, however, can see how this is possible.
So, on Universal Ordination Day we commemorate the Ordination of the Universe by passing out as many Authorized and Authentic All-Purpose Discordian Society Ordination Certificates as possible.
Whoever distributes the most of these becomes Pastor Present of the Permanent Universal Tax Strike Universal Life Church of the Permanent Universal Rent Strike and may fly anywhere in the world, for a whole year, free – if they can figure out how to fly and providing they always first say “Up, up and away!”

68 Discord: Mal-2mas

Celebrating the Birth of Malaclypse the Younger on this day in 3107 YOLD.

70 Discord: Jake Day Jr. (DJ)/Day of the Elppin (MH)

Pull some small Jakes or practical jokes, especially those that cause embarrassment or the loss of personal modesty.  In other words, do like the Elppin do.  Remember, junior jakes should be fun!  And legal.  Don’t forget legal.

72 Discord: Towel Day

Are you one hoopy frood who really knows where your towel is?  Well, you should be!  Keep a towel with you all day today.  People respect those who carry a towel.  And if you meet someone who is too foolish to show you respect, use your towel to cover your eyes.  They’ll assume that if you can’t see them, they can’t see you, and they’ll leave you alone.  At least that’s the theory.

26 Confusion: Imaginary Friend/Captain Tuttle Day (ED)/(MH)

Recognize and credit your imaginary friend, whom you blame for everything on all the other days of the year.  Or help someone anonymously, but in a way they’d never expect.  (“Captain Tuttle” was the made-up buddy of Benjamin Franklin “Hawkeye” Pierce and “Trapper John” McIntire on the TV show“M*A*S*H.”  They used the mythical captain’s identity to get supplies and funds from the U. S. Military which were then sent to help an orphanage).

37 Confusion: Mid-Year’s Day (ECG)

The middle day of the year.  Use only middle names, stay to the middle of the road, pat or rub your or someone else’s middle (this is a great day to apply to join The Order of the Holy Chao Belly Rubbers).  Point to things with your middle finger.  Visit a middle school and talk about the good old days of the Middle Ages.  (If you want to get technical, on Leap Year this day would run from noon of July 2 to noon of July 3, but you don’t have to get that anal unless you really want to).

40 Confusion: X-Day

SubGenius Holyday: Celebrating the end of the world, annually.

55 Confusion: Mal-2 Day

Celebration of the Malaclypse the Younger. Remembering the Life and Words of Mal-2, who left us on this day in 3166 YOLD.

3 Bureaucracy: Multiversal Underwear Day (MH)

Expose your undies! Celebrate by wearing nothing but unmentionables in public, or at least by wearing your underwear, or somebody else’s, where people can see it so they can gawk at you.  (This is a great day to apply for membership in the Lesser Disorder of Underwear Heads.)

18 Bureaucracy: Festival of Hanky-Panky Spankies (MH)

The Mythics version of Spanking Fest (see 36 Aftermath).

33 Bureaucracy: Cat Dancing & Foot Fetish Day (ED) aka Pussyfoot Day

Dance with a Cat, Dance like a Cat, Dance with somebody who has a Cat, or just do something having to do with Cats and/or Dancing (You’re allowed to be creative in what you consider to be a “cat” and “dancing”).  Or do something having to do with Feet–after all, cats have feet, and feet dance.  Foot note: Whipped cream and chocolate syrup make great foot toppings.  Only advanced foot fetishists should use Catsup.

37 Bureaucracy: Mass of Planet Eris/Eristotle (ED)/(MH)

Even the scientific bureaucracy recognized our Goddess (& the Mythic Prophet Eristotle) by naming Planet X Eris on this date in 2006 CE.  As of this writing, they’re calling this world a dwarf planet, but we don’t mind.  We have nothing against dwarves.  So celebrate our planet’s mass!  (And remember, Eris’moon Dysmonia is really Shamlicht)

41 Bureaucracy: Emperor Norton Proclamation Day (EN)

The earliest printed proclamation of the self-created Emperor appeared in 1859.

57 Bureaucracy: Shamlicht Kids Club Day (ED)

Honor the leaders and members of Smagmoid Kids Club.  Lead the “Shamlicht Kids Club Song” at a club, organization or school board meeting; call a school and order five boxes of Twin Mints or Chock-a-lot Chaochip cookies; ask a friend or a total stranger to join you in the Bodyshake.  Realize that no adult ever fully grows out of childhood, and that children can be very adult.

59 Bureaucracy: Gonkulator Day (Gonculator Day) (ED)

A time to recognize impressive and sophisticated-seeming devices that are completely useless.  See how many you can find in your home or office.  See how many you can sell for a large profit to those who don’t know what day this is.  Those who work for major computer corporations should find this an easy holiday to celebrate.  (This holiday was inspired by an episode of Hogan’s Heroes that first aired on this date.  The prisoners of war convinced members of the enemy’s Military Bureaucracy that a prisoner-made rabbit trap was actually some highly important device known as a “gonculator.”  The scheme worked because no one in the military establishment was willing to admit they didn’t have the foggiest idea what the prisoners were talking about)

60 Bureaucracy: Mad Hatter Day

Go mad-without inhaling mercury or getting committed. Host a mad tea party wearing a 10/6 size hat, or just join in.

66 Bureaucracy: Habeas Corpus Remembrance Day (ED)

Celebrated in honor of the death of Eristotle on this date in 1782, and Emperor Norton I declaring the United States dissolved on this date in 1859 CE.  A day of Fondling and Groping, where all Discordians should grab their Legislative Representative by the privates and cry out, “Where’s my Bill of Rights, you leech!”  (Note: grabbing should be figurative, not literal).

28 Aftermath: Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild Day (ECG)

This is the anniversary of the founding of Chapter One of the ECG, which was officially recognized and approved by a California college Student Government Association on Monday, 16 November, 1981 (Setting Orange, 28 Aftermath 3147).  Within a year after its official recognition, it was honored as Most Active New Club.  Within that same year, both the Founding President and Co-Founding Vice President created so much chaos and discord at the college they were threatened with formal charges.  Honor the ECG.

36 Aftermath: Spanking Fest (ED)

Do you like spanking?  Do you like getting spanked?  Do you have friends and relatives who do too?  Then today is your day to go for it.  Another day to go for it is 18 Bureaucracy.

37 Aftermath: 537 Day (ED), sometimes Turkey Day

This is the 5th season, 37th day.  Contemplate the number 537, Holy Number of Discordian Ek-sen-triks and Official Number of the ECG (who celebrate it using the Gregorian calendar on the 5th month, 37th day).  Consult your pineal gland to try to discover the number’s true meaning.  Or type the number “537” on your computer, then stare at it while hanging upside down for five hours and thirty-seven minutes (Optional: remain upright, and hold your computer monitor upside down for the same length of time).  About once every seven years in America, this is also known as Turkey Day.

40 Aftermath: Omar’s Day

Remembering the Life and Work of Lord Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst, who left us on this day in 3164 YOLD.

46 Aftermath: Hug Day II

See Hug Day on 21 Chaos.

67 Aftermath: Santa Claus Day (ED)

Celebrate the Patron Saint of Children.  Honor the jolly old man who loves children, wears funny clothes, has no legal address, holds boys and girls on his lap, urges them to share their desires with him, offers them a candy cane, dreams of sliding down their chimneys, sneaks into their homes at night, watches them when they’re in bed asleep, then gives them a package to unwrap.  (This holiday is also known as Christmas.  It’s also known as Don’t You Think We’ve Gotten So Paranoid About This Whole Protect Our Children Thing That We’re Actually Harming Them and Ourselves Day).

72 Aftermath: New Year’s Eve Eve (ECG)

Began with an actual ECG New Year’s Eve Eve party in 1983 or 1984 that was written up in a pretty big newspaper (yes, this is true).  See if you can still be celebrating when New Year’s Eve comes around.  See if you can still stand up.

 

Discordian Holydays

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