Holidays

chaos 5: Mungday
chaos 8: Death of Emperor Norton
chaos 10: Backwards/Binary Day
chaos 11: RAW Day
chaos 14: Golden Apple Presentation Day
chaos 17: Joshmas
chaos 18: Pat Pineapple Day
chaos 21: Hug Day
chaos 23: Chaomas
chaos 26: yaD sdrawkcaB, Traditional
chaos 27: Chaosloth
chaos 37: Aaron Burr’s Birthday
chaos 49: The Mary Day
chaos 50: Chaoflux
chaos 51: Pet Loving Day
between chaos 59 and 60 of every fourth chaos: St. Tib’s Day
chaos 69: Chicken Head Day
chaos 72: Daytime Holliday
chaos 73: Mungeye
discord 4: Grover Cleveland’s Birthday
discord 5: Mojoday
discord 11: Discordians for Jesus/Love Your Neighbor Day
discord 18: Fool’s Day
discord 19: St John the Blasphemist’s Day
discord 23: Discomas/Jake Day
discord 27: Discosloth
discord 34: Omarmas
discord 43: Universal Ordination Day
discord 50: Discoflux
discord 68: Mal-2 Day
discord 70: Day of the Elppin/Defenestration of Prague Day
discord 72: Towel Day
discord 73: Mojeye
confusion 5: Syaday
confusion 23: Confumas
confusion 26: Imaginary Friend Day
confusion 27: Confusloth
confusion 28: St. George’s Day
confusion 30: Zoog Day
confusion 37: Mid-Year’s Day
confusion 50: Confuflux
confusion 55: Mal-2 Day
confusion 57: John Dillinger Day
confusion 73: Syadeye
bureaucracy 3: Multiversal Underwear Day
bureaucracy 5: Zaraday
bureaucracy 18: Spanking Fest
bureaucracy 23: Buremas
bureaucracy 27: Buresloth
bureaucracy 33: Pussyfoot Day
bureaucracy 37: Mass of Eristotle/Mass of Planet Eris
bureaucracy 39: Saint Mammes Day
bureaucracy 41: Emperor Norton Proclamation Day
bureaucracy 50: Bureflux
bureaucracy 57: Shamlicht Kids Club Day
bureaucracy 59: Gonculator Day
bureaucracy 60: Mad Hatter Day
bureaucracy 66: Habeas Corpus Remembrance Day
bureaucracy 73: Zareye
aftermath 5: Maladay
aftermath 23: Afmas
aftermath 27: Afsloth


Mungday

Celebration of the Apostle Hung Mung. Moongday is generally on Chaos 5. According to Wikipedia:

Mung is computer jargon for “to make repeated changes which individually may be reversible, yet which ultimately result in an unintentional, irreversible destruction of large portions of the original item.”

Appropriate activities include thigh-slapping, laughing, ripping off other people’s ideas, and hunting cabbages.

Participants in Operation Mindfuck that share a sense of irony will focus on strategies that use ignorance to frustrate Greyface.

The Coming of the Great White Handkerchief will almost certainly be on Mungday.

On the teachings and imitations of Saint Hung Mung

Hung Mung is a Sage of Ancient China and Official Erisian Missionary to the Heathen Chinese. He who originally devised The Sacred Chao. Patron of the Season of Chaos.

On Setting Orange Chaos 5 (January 5th), Erisians set aside the day to remember and commune with Saint Hung Mung, whose name means Primal Chaos, sage of Ancient China, Official Missionary to the Heathens, leader of Operation Mindfuck.

This is the season of Chaos, the ancient universe as earliest humans saw it, where anything and everything is Real. Apostle Hung Mung came out of this mindset and planted the seeds of the Taoist religion, whose followers don’t apply their force to the universe, but instead allow the universe to guide their force.

Hung Mung appears in the writings of old Chaung Tzu, where he responds to the inquiries of Great Knowledge by by laughing and slapping his knee and shouting, “I don’t know! I don’t know!” His name 鴻蒙 means “silly goose” in Chinese, and the Planet Eris was discovered on Mung Day, 3171… Hail Eris!

A Mungday Tale
by Dr Jon Swabey

“Great Knowledge was traveling east, carried along upon the wings of a whirlwind. Suddenly he met Hung Mung, who was jumping around, slapping his thighs and hopping like a bird. Great Knowledge saw this and stopped dead, standing still in respect, and said, ‘Elderly man, who are you? What are you doing?’

Hung Mung continued to slap his thighs and hop like a bird, then replied, ‘Enjoying myself!

Great Knowledge said, ‘I would like to ask a question.’

Hung Mung looked at Great Knowledge and said, ‘That’s a shame!’

Great Knowledge said, ‘The very breath of Heaven is no longer in harmony. Earth’s very breath is ensnared, the six breaths do not mix, the four seasons do not follow each other. Now I want to combine the six breaths in order to bring life to all things. How do I do this?’

Hung Mung slapped his thighs, hopped around and said, ‘I don’t know, I don’t know!’

Great Knowledge could go no further with his questioning. But three years later, traveling east, he passed the wilderness of Sung and came upon Hung Mung again. Great Knowledge, very pleased, rushed towards him, stood before him and said, ‘Heaven, have you forgotten me? Heaven, have you forgotten me?’ Bowing his head twice, he asked for teaching from Hung Mung.

Hung Mung said, ‘Wandering everywhere, without a clue why. Wildly impulsive, without a clue where. I wander around in this odd fashion, I see that nothing comes without reason. What can I know?’

Great Knowledge replied, ‘I also seem carried on by an aimless influence, and yet the people follow me wherever I go. I cannot help their doing so. But now as they thus imitate me, I wish to hear a word from you.’

Hung Mung said, ‘Ah! your mind needs to be nourished. Do you only take the position of doing nothing, and things will of themselves become transformed. Neglect your body; cast out from you your power of hearing and sight; forget what you have in common with things; cultivate a grand similarity with the chaos of the plastic ether; unloose your mind; set your spirit free; be still as if you had no soul. Of all the multitude of things every one returns to its root. Every one returns to its root, and does not know that it is doing so. They all are as in the state of chaos, and during all their existence they do not leave it. They do not ask its name; they do not seek to spy out their nature; and thus it is that things come to life of themselves.'”

Not claiming to know anything, Primal Chaos reveals everything to informed curiosity – though not usually in a very orderly format. In becoming acquainted with this sage who knows nothing and does not care that he does not know anything, we can learn enough to accomplish nearly anything.”


Death of Emperor Norton

The 8th day of Chaos is the special holiday:

Commemorating the Life and Memory of His Imperial Majesty Emperor Norton I, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico, who left us on this day in 3046 YOLD. Celebrated at Colma gravesite.

Imperator Norton issued his own money in the form of scrips which were accepted from him by restaurants and shops in San Francisco. These notes came in denominations between fifty cents and ten dollars, and the few surviving notes are collector’s items. The city of San Francisco also honored Imperator. When his uniform began to look shabby, the San Francisco Board of Supervisors bought him a suitably imperial replacement. Norton sent a gracious thank you note and issued a “patent of nobility in perpetuity” for each supervisor.


Backwards/Binary Day

Backwards Day, Reformed (more properly, demrofeR, yaD sdrawkcaB). Day to do things backwards. Walk backwards, dress backwards, talk backwards.

(Driving backwards on a busy freeway is not recommended. In some jurisdictions, it’s not advisable to wear a back-less dress or thong bikini backwards. But it could be fun)

Doing or wearing things inside out or upside down also count. Check your favorite recordings forbackwards masking. Pray to sirE (or Aidrocsid). Hate what you love, love what you hate. Children can tell their parents, “Go clean your room and do your homework,” and parents can tell their children, “If you don’t eat your dessert, you won’t get any vegetables.” Unless, of course, that’s your usual pattern.

(Note that ED-sect chose this date as Backwards Day because both the Gregorian and Erisian Dates can be written as 01 10 or 10 01, both of which are the same backwards.)

Binary Day, for those who recognize 26 of Chaos as Backwards Day. It’s basically the same holiday, but focuses more on the bi part.


RAW Day

Chaos 11. Remembering the Life and Words of Saint Mordecai the Foul, who left us on this day in 3173 YOLD.

I Don’t Know

Wavy Gravy once asked a Zen Roshi, “What happens after death?”
The Roshi replied, “I don’t know.”
Wavy protested, “But you’re a Zen Master!”
“Yes,” the Roshi admitted, “but I’m not a dead Zen Master.”


Golden Apple Presentation Day

It is day of the Circumcision of the Christ in orthodox tradition according to the Julian calendar (in Catholicism and Protestantism – is celebrated 13 days earlier according to the Gregorian calendar). Accordingly since 3267 YOLD it will be celebrated on Chaos 15 next 100 years. The majority of modern Christians (western and eastern traditions) do not know, from what day their era begins, they do not know religious meaning of their first day of the year, Julian and Gregorian calendars constantly shift, but the beginning of an era (first year and day) at both these traditions coincides.

The circumcision of Jesus has traditionally been seen, as explained in the once popular writing “Golden Legend“, as the first shedding of Christ’s blood, and thus the beginning of man’s redemption process, and as a demonstration that Christ is fully human and obedient to biblical law. The ceremony of circumcision in Jewish tradition is also the ceremony of naming, and so significant is the feast in both Christian calendars that it was circumcision, and not the birth of the originally nameless child, that was chosen as the starting point of the Christian era. Also, in connection with this festive event it is worth mentioning the Christian relic of the Holy Prepuce (part of the skin of the penis) of Jesus Christ, which appeared as a result of his circumcision. It is alleged that the prepuce was stolen during the Sack of Rome, after which it was allegedly found in a prison cell of the German soldier involved in the sacking. Then, the prepuce was kept for centuries in the comune of Calcata until it was stolen again by a local priest. In Jewish tradition, the circumcision ceremony is called the brit milah, and according to the scriptures, a specially trained person called a mohel sucks blood from a wound on the baby’s penis with his mouth. Until now, many Jewish communities follow this ancient tradition.


Erisians know that the 1st day of the 1st year of the Christian era – the day of Сircumcision of the Christian god-man – is the 1st Chaos of 1167 YOLD, the anniversary of the feast of Peleus, on which the Goddess presented the Apple of Discord to gods. On this day, the Erisians celebrate the feast of Peleus in Orthodox tradition, the anniversary of the presentation of the divine gift, in the form of a Golden Apple.


Joshmas

Chaos 17. Celebrating the Birth of Joshua Abraham Norton on this day in 2981 YOLD.

Discordians believe everybody should live like Norton.


Pat Pineapple Day

Chaos 18. Honor the ECG Mascot (and Ek-sen-trik Discordian Brigadier and Patron Saint) by consuming something with or associated with pineapple. Creativity is encouraged. This is the only day the Order of the Pineapple can be presented.


Hug Day

Chaos 21. Hug your friends. Hug your loved ones. Confound your enemies by offering them a hug. Hugs are free, hugs are healthy, hugs are good. Which is why they may be illegal in some jurisdictions.


Chaomas

Chaos 23. It is the first Synaptyclypse Day (23th of the Season) of the Yold. It is Cyclical Whollyday of Chaos Season.

Rev. Dr. Jon tell us that there are additional seasonal days not included in the Principia Discordia. They round out the number of holydays in the Pentagon of the Year to 23.

I have no idea what these holydays are for, so they will probably end with drunken antics and hallucinogenic fugues.


yaD sdrawkcaB, Traditional

Chaos 26. Day to do things backwards. Walk backwards, dress backwards, talk backwards.

(Driving backwards on a busy freeway is not recommended. In some jurisdictions, it’s not advisable to wear a back-less dress or thong bikini backwards. But it could be fun)

See: Backwards/Binary Day


Chaosloth

It is the first Sloth Day (27th of the Season) of the Yold. It is Cyclical Whollyday of Chaos Season: Chaosloth.

Chaosloth is celebrated by not doing anything to celebrate it.


Aaron Burr’s Birthday

Chaos 37. Positively the most ancient Discordian Holyday, Aaron Burr’s Birthday was first celebrated in 3123, before there even was a Discordian Society, by Lord Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst, who may have used it as an excuse to ditch school. Of course it was presumably observed long before that by Burr himself, who was born on February 6th of 2922. Described in Volume Five (5) of The Encyclopedia Americana as “A precocious youth who would rebel against authority throughout his life…” Burr is nevertheless classed by many Americans as a notorious traitor, second only in infamy to Benedict Arnold, on whose staff he in fact once served.

But, in actual truth, Aaron Burr was “adroit rather than profound,” according to the same volume (five), “with a magnetic personality and a quick mind not overburdened with scruples.” There is, of course, little that is worse than an overburdened mind.

Everyone, practically, knows about Tammany Hall and Boss Tweed, made famous by political cartoonist Thomas Nast. Few realize that it was originally Aaron Burr who converted the Tammany Society into a political machine. Most people have heard of the Chase Manhattan Bank, headquarters of the Rockefeller-Communist Conspiracy. Few realize that Burr was among its founders. Burr was also Vice President under Thomas Jefferson who, in turn, said that Adam Weishaupt, father of the Bavarian Illuminati, was “a great humanitarian”. But enough of these accolades.

On Confusion 16, 2970 (July 11th of 1804 C.C.), Aaron Burr shot and killed in a duel Alexander Hamilton. For that alone, he deserves the everlasting gratitude of all but landlords and bankers. Moreover, contrary to what is asserted in school books, Hamilton did not first deliberately fire over Burr’s head, in keeping with some gentlemanly custom. As was brought to public attention in the mid-1970’s by the curator of the museum where Hamilton’s pistol is on display, Hamilton had filed down a trigger mechanism (so the gun would have a hair trigger) in order to gain an unfair advantage over poor Burr! Hoisted, however, on his own petard, Hamilton accidentally fired before taking aim.

We celebrate Aaron Burr’s Birthday secure in the knowledge that the man who shot Alexander Hamilton cannot have been all bad.


The Mary Day

Chaos 49. Honor The Mary, who is Patron Saint, Illuminated, of Bearers of Erisian Tattoos, and also Keeper of the Holy Chao Belly (rub it for good luck–with permission, of course). This is a good day to do something for a Mary, do something Merry, or even to Marry someone. (If you are merry about marrying a Mary, you earn extra points).


Chaoflux

It is holyday of the season of Chaos, Chaoflux. Celebrated on the 50th day of that season.

Very little is known about this holyday. What we do is, we pretty much made up as we went along.

Chaosflux recognizes the Chaos or Void that nonexisted before the beginning. It is also about changing into discord, a more or less organized version of chaos. This can be accomplished by convincing your friends and loved ones to change their minds about decisions that they make throughout the day.

It is also traditionally acceptable to partake in a rousing game of Calvinball, as the only rule in Calvinball is that it can never be played the same way twice. One should note that – by invoking papal infallibility – this rule may be suspended at any time. One Thousand Blank White Cards may be played as a substitute by those who are too lazy to run around.

A traditional Chaoflux feast consists of whatever you randomly grab from the refrigerator, a glass of whatever you randomly grab from the liquor cabinet, and fermented pineapple.

Those born on Chaoflux are a special sort of something although no-one is really quite sure what. Help them celebrate by gifting them a fresh fish in butchers paper. Whether the fish is alive or not is up to you and, quite frankly, the fish.


Pet Loving Day

Chaos 51. A day to love your pet, or someone else’s (willing pets only). Popular with Zeus, Zoos, and Zoophliacs for Jesus.


St. Tib’s Day

St. Tib’s Day falls between the 59th and 60th of every fourth Chaos. This one occurrence in four years compounds the cycle of five.

What little is known about St. Tib has likely been made up entirely.

Controversy

Luckily, there is some debate about how this day is to be scheduled. There are even dueling popes!

From Pope Max Flax Beeblewax:

Though the Principia Discordia says that the day occurs once every 4 years, it first says that the Discordian and Gregorian calendars are perpetually aligned. Thus, we can reason that we actually only insert St. Tib’s Day into every 4th year that does not end in 66, unless that year’s century is 3 more than a multiple of 4. For example, 3166 does contain a St. Tib’s Day, but 3066 didn’t and 3266 won’t.

And from Pope Jess Cully comes a differing point of view

The Discordian Calendar will thus diverge from the Gregorian on St. Tib’s Day 3266 (March 1, 2100 Gregorian). From 3267 to 3366, the Discordian year will begin on January 2 Gregorian.

Those who wish to express the relationship between the Discordian and Roman Calendars in an invariable way may do so thus: The Discordian year begins on December 19 according to the Julian Calendar.

Conclusion?

A Gregorian parallel maintains five quite nicely. Diverging from this, however, will maintain five quite nicely.

Celebration

Tell everyone today is your birthday. Figure out how old you would be if you only had a birthday once every leap year. Act your age. Determine if you’re of legal age to drive, raise children, buy a gun, gamble, leave school, get a job, drink, get married, get drafted, sign a contract, vote, run for parliament or congress, have sexual congress, have sexual congress for money, retire, or walk across the street by yourself. Realize how silly having a legal age for everything really is, and how arbitrary it is, and how it doesn’t recognize the individual as an individual, and how it’s all culturally-biased ageism anyway. Forget about age limits, and do whatever you want. If you’re lucky, maybe you can convince them you’re too young to get arrested for doing any of the above (but don’t count on it).


Chicken Head Day

Chaos 69. Head Chicken/Chicken Head Day can only be celebrated with a partner (a flock of partners could work). Tarring and feathering each other before you begin is optional. You and your partner must be plucked (i.e. au naturel), declare each other chickens, then simultaneously peck each other. Continue simultaneous pecking to determine who has the best Chicken Head and/or who’s the best Head Chicken. See who comes in first, and who comes in second. Then declare yourselves both winners. (If you want to know where you peck each other, check the Discordian date for a clue. Another hint: this is also known as Head-Tail/Tail-Head Day. The holiday can also be celebrated on the 6th day of the 9th month, the 6th month on the 9th day, or any day, really).

The Sacred Chao looking suspiciously like a 69 (image by A. L.)


Daytime Holliday

Back in the old days, the world was on many conflicting systems of keeping time. While three-quarters time might prevail in one area, elsewhere it was spare time or springtime or due time or ragtime.

So on Chaos 72, 3050 YOLD a bunch of pundits from all over the world met in Washington, DC, and decided everyone should employ Standard Time (used by Standard Oil of New Jersey), based on Greenwich Mean Time (the time I was using in the meantime in Greenwich Village).

Far from perfect, this solution allows it to be one time in London at the exact moment it is some other time entirely in New York or San Francisco or Moscow.

So, on 72nd Chaos, we Discordians protest this confusing state of affairs by telling anyone who asks, any time, that it is 5 o’clock — because, somewhere, it is. If they check with another source or, say, note that the sun is directly overhead, we explain we only said that it was 5 o’clock because it is Daytime.

Discordian Eternal Time solves the whole problem of confusion about time by making it, in fact, 5 o’clock everywhere, always. But, unfortunately, most societies would rather do things the complicated way.


Mungeye

Chaos 73. Eye Day is celebrated by playing Discordian Games, meditating on the Season just passed, getting ripped off your tits, and making Terrible Mistakes in nightclubs. Make sure you carry at least 5 inches of strong, weight-bearing cord, a packet of chewing gum, a spare pair of undergarments, 144 condoms, the phone number of the local branch of the Scientologists, a small sheet of bubble wrap, and a poem by Emily Dickinson with you at all times.

Beware the Dreaded Illuminati on Eye Days. Our ancient foes stole Eye Days from us as a time to commit particularly heinous and bloodthirsty acts upon any Discordian they could capture. Make sure your membership paperwork in the AISB is up-to-date and be ready to produce it on demand. In addition, to ensure the readiness of fellow Discordians, pretend to be an inspection agent with the AISB and make surprise checks on their membership paperwork.

Many Discordians are lax on this front – feel free to reinforce this lesson using all the Großmütterlich Gefälligkeit at your disposal. Do not hold back – they may be in pain today, but they’ll thank you tomorrow.


Grover Cleveland’s Birthday

Discord 4. No politician besides Grover Cleveland ever won the endorsement of the Orthodox Discordian Society, and we endorse him every four years. Cleveland is well known, highly respected, very experienced and, best of all, completely dead — a quality assuring that he will not pick Daniel Quayle for his running mate.

No sex scandals will ever mar any of his campaigns.

And, besides, what living person can really be trusted with the awesome powers of a nuclear-age presidency?

Grover Cleveland will break no campaign promises and will never abuse his veto power. Nor will he say anything so idiotic that even those who didn’t vote for him will cringe with embarrassment. Cleveland will start no wars, will exact no taxes, will expand no debts, will tell no lies, will keep no secrets in the name of National Security and will not, at any time during his entire term, appoint any morons to high public office.

Can you honestly hope for that much of any other candidate?


Mojoday

Holyday of Discord honoring Dr Van Van Mojo. Mojoday is generally on Discord 5. Called Lingananda by the POEE.

Have an argument with a friend over which Five Star Saint’s holyday it really is–especially in front of people who haven’t the faintest idea what you’re talking about. Take turns chanting “Mojo” and “Lingananda.” Switch sides. Use as many obscure Discordian references as possible. Good places for this are parks, buses, and city council meetings.

Dr. Van Van Mojo, Head Doctor of Deep Africa and Maker of Fine Dolls, Doctor of Hoodoo and Vexes, first made contact with contemporary Discordians through the Greater Metropolitan Yorba Linda Jesus Will Save Your Bod Home Study Bible School as a representative of the Intergalactic Haitian Guerrillas for World Peace, where he was revealed to be an anthropomorphic personification of the ancient Patron of The Season of Discord, Patamunzo Linganada.

What Is Known of the Mysterious Saint Doctor Van Van Mojo

Dr. Van Van Mojo, Head Doctor of Deep Africa and Maker of Fine Dolls, Doctor of Hoodoo and Vexes, first made contact with contemporary Discordians through the Greater Metropolitan Yorba Linda Jesus Will Save Your Bod Home Study Bible School as a representative of the Intergalactic Haitian Guerrillas for World Peace, where he was revealed to be an anthropomorphic personification of the ancient Patron of The Season of Discord, Patamunzo Linganada.

There has often been much confusion regarding Patamunzo’s relationship to Dr. Mojo. Lord Omar, esteemed vessel of the Principia, often observed Dr. Mojo heaping hatred upon Patamunzo, who would send only Love Vibrations in return. For this reason, Erisians of The Laughing Christ sect contend that Dr. Mojo is an imposter and that only Patamunzo may be worshipped as the True Second Apostle. However, members of the more orthodox Paratheo-anametamystikhood Of Eris Esoteric insist that Patamunzo is the Real Imposter, and that those vibrations of his are actually an attempt to subvert Dr. Mojo’s rightful apostilic authority by shaking him out of his wits. The Erisian Liberation Front informants Fallopian Forinicator and John John Dillinger claim that Lord Omar’s perceptions were inverted through a surreptitiously brewed cup of Kool-Aid, and they maintain that the Love Vibrations felt throughout Switzerland were actually a result of Dr. Mojo’s efforts, which Patamunzo has been attempting to subvert through his connections with the World Trade Organization. But we here at the Neo-Discordian Radiant Church of Christ know that Dr. Mojo is both fully an imposter and fully Patamunzo, one in being with Linganada, and we condemn as anathema all those who would disagree. Discordian of any ilk are known to celebrate Dr. Van Van Mojo’s Holy Day on the Fifth of Discord.

Dr. Van Van Mojo is perhaps the most accomplished theological and occult scholar in all the fictional world, and his published works number in the thousands. Due to his expertise in the magickal arts, Discordians call upon him to bless their spells and teach them the conflicting orders of existence. His symbol is a mad little doll figure, and his element is Pungent. If you find yourself in a situation where there is an overabundance of Pungent, you may want to invoke the Apostle by quietly saying “Vanvan Vanvan Vanvan Vanvan Vanvan KNOCK THAT CRAP OFF!”

Though Dr. Mojo may appear in any form, he is most often reported to appear as a man of dark complexion in a tweed suit and santerian death mask, and he is typically surrounded by a custom visuals-enhancing hypno-spiral trip-o-matic blue parade of cloud gas that leaves the narrative of his life wondering how it ever got enough energy to create such a manifestation of weirdness in the first place.

Though usually occupied with his research and professorship at Miskatonic University, Dr. Mojo occassionally weilds his power for great ostensible good. He is a frequent preventer of eschatons, most recently in 1998 when he deterred the return of JHVH-1 by sticking hat pins in a tetherball. He is also reported to have destroyed all record of his Nobel Prize winning work in theoquantum detection when he learned of the Nazi Roman Catholic conspiracy to manifest the robotic Jesus before the time of Divine Ripening. Obviously, we have much to thank him for.


Discordians for Jesus/Love Your Neighbor Day

Discord 11. Do you love Jesus? Would you like to love your neighbor? Then this is the holiday for you! Tell your Fundamentalist Christian neighbors that the tradition-breaking, authority-challenging, logic- twisting, wise-cracking, trouble-making Jesus of Nazareth was really a proto-Discordian. Then ask them if they want to love you back. Be prepared to run.

Sacred Chao with Jesus Fish, symbol of Discordians for Jesus.


Fool’s Day

Discord 18. Fool friends for fun. Fool enemies for fun. Fool yourself for even more fun. If possible, switch positions/possessions/clothing with your boss, employee, teacher, student, parent, child, master, slave, etc. for the day. Let them see how hard it really is to be you. See how easy it is to be them.


St John the Blasphemist’s Day

Discord 19. Commit blasphemy against Goddess Discordia! Write your representatives and demand they outlaw “funny religions;” send one hour’s salary to the most Aneristic organization you can think of; or eat a bun with a hot dog made out of the Sacred Chao. On second thought, recognizing a holyday wouldn’t be blasphemist. So instead of actually celebrating it, call in sick to work or school, then spend all day sleeping, going fishing or having sex.


Discomas/Jake Day

Discord 23. It is the Synaptyclypse Day, Discomas: Jake Day.

Get a group of people to send letters, postcards, faxes, emails, etc. all to hopefully arrive at some business or government agency you want to Jake on this day (you’re allowed to do Jakes on other days as well, of course). The messages should address non-existent concerns, imaginary problems, or be just plain weird. Examples: assert that your family’s woolly mammoth should be allowed to run for king, or that you’re positive the president is actually a pineapple. Jakes should be fun, not threatening, and are all part of Operation Mindfuck.

Shortly after the discovery of the heavenly body, Prince-Mu Chao of 23ae suggested a Jake.

“The New Planet” We should start a Jake campaign to get the new planet named Eris, or more like “Discordia” to keep with the Roman naming scheme…. This planet was obviously not invited to the party and has been hiding out there well into our Space Age waiting to cause mischief. Also, there are no hot dog buns that far from the sun. I think the choice is obvious.

Lets just hope she doesn’t roll any golden asteroids our way.

–Professor Mu-Chao, Bureaucracy 4, 3171 YOLD

Another examples of Jakes.


Discosloth

It is the second Sloth Day (27th of the Season) of the Yold. It is Cyclical Whollyday of Discord Season: Discosloth.

Discosloth is celebrated by not doing anything to celebrate it.


Omarmas

Discord 34, Omarmas. Celebrating the Birth of Lord Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst on this day in 3104 YOLD.


Universal Ordination Day

Commemorating the Ordination of the Universe by passing out as many Authorized and Authentic All-Purpose Discordian Society Ordination Certificates as possible.

Upon completing 52 years and 11 days of studying the universe, Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst (under his alias of Kerry Wendell Thornley) became an ordained Minister of the Universal Life Church — on Sweetmorn 43 Discord, 3156 (April 26th 1990).

A subtle Buddhist teaching that nobody without the Buddha Mind understands is that when the Buddha was enlightened, the whole universe — with all its sentient beings, inanimate objects and blunt instruments — attained Satori with him.

On April 26th of 1990 the entire cosmos — people, stars, space rubbish and all — became an ordained minister and so anyone or anything is now legally qualified in most states to get drunk at weddings and giggle at funerals, spit holy water, christen puppies and preach salvation by fire and brimstone.

Only an ordained minister, however, can see how this is possible.

So, on Universal Ordination Day we commemorate the Ordination of the Universe by passing out as many Authorized and Authentic All-Purpose Discordian Society Ordination Certificates as possible.

Whoever distributes the most of these becomes Pastor Present of the Permanent Universal Tax Strike Universal Life Church of the Permanent Universal Rent Strike and may fly anywhere in the world, for a whole year, free — if they can figure out how to fly and providing they always first say “Up, up and away!”

Every Man, Woman and Child is a Pope!


Discoflux

It is holyday of the season of Discord, Discoflux. Celebrated on the 50th day of that season.

The Principia Discordia doesn’t indicate what to do, but do something that promotes Discord, or maybe Disco.

Dress as you would to go to a disco sometime in the 1950s through 1970s, imagine you’re the Disco King or Queen (or both), then begin dancing to the music in your head. Pretend the discotheque is at your local market, a playground, or in front of a house of worship. Leave before the police arrive. If one shows up before you depart, tell the officer, “Love the threads. Wanna boogie?” If the officer declines the invitation, apologize profusely for your mistake and claim you forgot to take your medication.

Better yet, forget the whole thing.


Mal-2 Day

Discord 68. Celebrating the Birth of Malaclypse the Younger on this day in 3107 YOLD.


Day of the Elppin/Defenestration of Prague Day

Day of the Elppin, Jake Day Jr.
Pull some small Jakes or practical jokes, especially those that cause embarrassment or the loss of personal modesty. In other words, do like the Elppin do. Remember, junior jakes should be fun! And legal. Don’t forget legal.

70 Discord, 2784 YOLD (May 23, 1618cc), Prague: a few royal officials were thrown out a window of Hradcany Castle by some noblemen, but survived the fall by landing in a cart full of manure. The date for this event falls on an extremely Illuminated day of the Gregorian Calendar, 5/23.


Towel Day

Discord 72. Are you one hoopy frood who really knows where your towel is? Well, you should be! Keep a towel with you all day today. People respect those who carry a towel. And if you meet someone who is too foolish to show you respect, use your towel to cover your eyes. They’ll assume that if you can’t see them, they can’t see you, and they’ll leave you alone. At least that’s the theory.


Mojeye

Discord 73. Eye Day is celebrated by playing Discordian Games, meditating on the Season just passed, getting ripped off your tits, and making Terrible Mistakes in nightclubs. Make sure you carry at least 5 inches of strong, weight-bearing cord, a packet of chewing gum, a spare pair of undergarments, 144 condoms, the phone number of the local branch of the Scientologists, a small sheet of bubble wrap, and a poem by Emily Dickinson with you at all times.

Beware the Dreaded Illuminati on Eye Days. Our ancient foes stole Eye Days from us as a time to commit particularly heinous and bloodthirsty acts upon any Discordian they could capture. Make sure your membership paperwork in the AISB is up-to-date and be ready to produce it on demand. In addition, to ensure the readiness of fellow Discordians, pretend to be an inspection agent with the AISB and make surprise checks on their membership paperwork.

Many Discordians are lax on this front – feel free to reinforce this lesson using all the Großmütterlich Gefälligkeit at your disposal. Do not hold back – they may be in pain today, but they’ll thank you tomorrow.


Syaday

Syaday is a holyday that occurs on the 5th day of Confusion. It is dedicated to the Apostle Sri Syadasti.

This Holiday is celebrated by altering your own consciousness in any way that is permissible to your superego and repeating the following affirmation 666 times:

Sri Syadasti Syadavaktavya Syadasti Syannasti Syadasti Cavaktavyasca Syadasti Syannasti Syadavatavyasca Syadasti Syannasti Syadavaktavyasca

In the alternative, some prefer a chant.

Unlike a song, chants are not sung but chanted. This particular one is much enhanced by the use of a Leader to chant the Sanskrit alone, with all participants chanting the English. It also behooves one to be in a quiet frame of mind and to be sitting in a still position, perhaps The Buttercup Position. It also helps if one is absolutely zonked out of his gourd.

RUB-A-DUB-DUB O! Hail Eris. Blessed St. Hung Mung.

SYA-DASTI O! Hail Eris. Blessed St. Mo-jo.

SYA-DAVAK-TAVYA O! Hail Eris. Blessed St. Zara-thud.

SYA-DASTI SYA-NASTI O! Hail Eris. Blessed St. Elder Mal.

SYA-DASTI KAVAK-TAV-YASKA O! Hail Eris. Blessed St. Gu-lik.

SYA-DASTI, SYA-NASTI, SYA-DAVAK-TAV-YASKA O! Hail Eris. All Hail Dis-cord-ia.

RUB-A-DUB-DUB

It is then repeated indefinitely, or for the first two thousand miles, which ever comes first.

Also it is the Fearless Fred Day (also called Gulikday and Fredday)

We won’t get in an argument over whether this holiday truly belongs to St. Sri Syadasti (etc.) or to St. Gulik the Stoned. Because of course it belongs to St. Fearless Fred. Honor the Five Star Saint and President of planet Ek-sen-trik-kuh by walking barefoot, riding a moped, or climbing up a rose trellis to rescue a maiden in distress and/or wrestle a maiden out of her dress (willing maidens only). Call everyone and everything “Fred.” This is also known as Fredday.


Confumas

It is the third Synaptyclypse Day (23th of the Season) of the Yold. It is Cyclical Whollyday of Confusion Season.

Rev. Dr. Jon tell us that there are additional seasonal days not included in the Principia Discordia. They round out the number of holydays in the Pentagon of the Year to 23.

I have no idea what these holydays are for, so they will probably end with drunken antics and hallucinogenic fugues.


Imaginary Friend Day

A Whollyday occurring on 26 Confusion. Known as both Imaginary Friend Day and Captain Tuttle Day.

Recognize and credit your imaginary friend, whom you blame for everything on all the other days of the year. Or help someone anonymously, but in a way they’d never expect. (“Captain Tuttle” was the made-up buddy of Benjamin Franklin “Hawkeye” Pierce and “Trapper John” McIntire on the TV show“M*A*S*H.” They used the mythical captain’s identity to get supplies and funds from the U. S. Military which were then sent to help an orphanage).


Confusloth

The 27th Day of the Season of Confusion: The Day of the Sloth, Holy Day of Slothage. Kick back. Hang around. Grow Moss.

Confusloth is celebrated by not doing anything to celebrate it.


St. George’s Day

28 Confusion is the whollyday of St. George Carlin, known to more literary folk as St. Rufus.

Speak truth to power. Make it rude and funny. Bonus points for dressing up as a Cardnial. Pray exactly fives times to Joe Pesci. Say Fuck 23 times and hour. Watch nothing but his stand-up. Its easy, just go to youtube. Actually it is a wholly Kommandment that you watch George Carlin whenever you want however you want. Or you could masturbate.


Zoog Day

Confusion 30. This one may seem out of place, as it was originally intended to create a balance in the world of commercially endorsed holidays. However, its following is small enough that it still qualifies as an alternative holiday.

Many years ago, it was determined that there are several holidays distributed throughout the year that revolve around candy and greetings cards, but that all of the popular gift-giving holidays were concentrated in Winter. To create a balance, Zoog Day takes place half year away from the popular Christmas holiday. Decorations are slanted towards purple and orange, and celebrants are encouraged to procure and decorate a Zoog Tree. Zoog trees are spiny, purple, and perfectly cylindrical. Zoog the All-Nifty is said to fly around that night on the back of his magical griffin, teleporting presents into people’s kitchens.

Though it is only a coincidence that Zoog’s name is shared by a race of beings from the Dreamlands, Lovecraft enthusiasts are nevertheless encouraged to celebrate this day by releasing swarms of zoogs into the waking world, and watching with delight as people discover that these cute, fuzzy creatures are carnivorous, and perfectly willing to eat people.

Celebrate Something Bizarre


Mid-Year’s Day

Confusion 37. The middle day of the year. Use only middle names, stay to the middle of the road, pat or rub your or someone else’s middle (this is a great day to apply to join The Order of the Holy Chao Belly Rubbers). Point to things with your middle finger. Visit a middle school and talk about the good old days of the Middle Ages. (If you want to get technical, on Leap Year this day would run from noon of Confusion 37 to noon of Confusion 38, but you don’t have to get that anal unless you really want to).


Confuflux

It is holyday of the season of Confusion, Confuflux. Celebrated on the 50th day of that season.

Chaos and Discord have come and dropped a great load on us all, resulting in Confusion. This is the fluxiest of holydays, as this is the point at which we are reminded that the Law of Escalation goes both ways: imposition of order leads to an escalation of disorder, naturally; but also the imposition of disorder leads to an escalation of order. Equality is commutative. Next season is Bureaucracy. Party now in preparation.

Celebration

This is a legal Discordian religious holiday, recognized by the US government. You are within you rights to demand the day off from work.

Street theater.

Speak to everyone by pronouncing the words as if they were spelled backwards.

Imbibe large quantities of your preferred intoxicant.

Hand out fliers on a street corner that are printed in a made-up language, like Elvish or Theban. If translated they should say, “Cthulhu for President: When you’re tired of voting for the lesser of two evils.”

Perform five completely random and spontaneous acts.

Drive/bike/walk in a direction you have never gone before. Travel randomly. Stop by a gas station and ask for directions to Thuddite Manor.

Unleash your inner maniac.

Wear a tie to the pool, and swimming trunks to the opera.


Mal-2 Day

Confusion 55. Remembering the Life and Words of Malaclypse the Younger, who left us on this day in 3166 YOLD (2000cc).

Greyface and his followers took the game of playing at life more seriously than they took life itself and were known even to destroy other living beings whose ways of life differed from their own.


John Dillinger Day

John Dillinger Day was begun by the John Dillinger Died For You Society who worked to get America out of the Great Depression. It was begun by a pseudonymous “Dr. Horace Naismith” (allegedly a Playboy editor by day and a maniac only by night), accepts as its savior John Dillinger, the gunman who robbed 23 banks and three police stations before he was shot dead by FBI agents in 3100 YOLD. JDDFYS members place memorial wreaths and floral bouquets at the Biograph Theater, where Dillinger was gunned down, every year on the anniversary of his death, Confusion 57. Their major spiritual teaching comes from Mr. Dillinger, whom they call St. John the Martyr, and consists of the words, “Lie down on the floor and keep calm,” (St. John said this often to nervous and agitated bank officials before looting their tills). Every member ordained by Dr. Naismith gets a membership card making him or her an Assistant Treasurer, entitled to collect tithes from any new disciple naive enough to remain a disciple and not become an Assistant Treasurer, too, by writing to Dr. Naismith for a card.


Syadeye

Confusion 73. Eye Day is celebrated by playing Discordian Games, meditating on the Season just passed, getting ripped off your tits, and making Terrible Mistakes in nightclubs. Make sure you carry at least 5 inches of strong, weight-bearing cord, a packet of chewing gum, a spare pair of undergarments, 144 condoms, the phone number of the local branch of the Scientologists, a small sheet of bubble wrap, and a poem by Emily Dickinson with you at all times.

Beware the Dreaded Illuminati on Eye Days. Our ancient foes stole Eye Days from us as a time to commit particularly heinous and bloodthirsty acts upon any Discordian they could capture. Make sure your membership paperwork in the AISB is up-to-date and be ready to produce it on demand. In addition, to ensure the readiness of fellow Discordians, pretend to be an inspection agent with the AISB and make surprise checks on their membership paperwork.

Many Discordians are lax on this front – feel free to reinforce this lesson using all the Großmütterlich Gefälligkeit at your disposal. Do not hold back – they may be in pain today, but they’ll thank you tomorrow.


Multiversal Underwear Day

Bureaucracy 3. Expose your undies! Celebrate by wearing nothing but unmentionables in public, or at least by wearing your underwear, or somebody else’s, where people can see it so they can gawk at you. (This is a great day to apply for membership in the Lesser Disorder of Underwear Heads)


Zaraday

Bureaucracy 5. The Apostle Zarathud’s Holyday. A hard nosed Hermit of Medieval Europe and Chaosphe Bible Banger (after his enlightenment, that is). Dubbed “Offender of The Faith”. Discovered the Five Commandments (The Pentabarf):

1 There is no Goddess but Goddess and She is Your Goddess. There is no Erisian Movement but The Erisian Movement and it is The Erisian Movement. And every Golden Apple Corps is the beloved home of a Golden Worm.

2 A Discordian Shall Always use the Official Discordian Document Numbering System.

3 A Discordian is Required during his early Illumination to Go Off Alone & Partake Joyously of a Hot Dog on a Friday; this Devotive Ceremony to Remonstrate against the popular Paganisms of the Day: of Catholic Christendom (no meat on Friday), of Judaism (no meat of Pork), of Hindic Peoples (no meat of Beef), of Buddhists (no meat of animal), and of Discordians (no Hot Dog Buns).

4 A Discordian shall Partake of No Hot Dog Buns, for Such was the Solace of Our Goddess when She was Confronted with The Original Snub.

5 A Discordian is Prohibited from Believing What he reads.

Zarathud has never been known to compete in the Olympics.

Appropriate activities include inappropriate activities. Zaraday should also be celebrated by studying the Pentabarf he has given, and by carving it into a stone tablet. If one so desires, you may insist upon having it planted in the local courthouse’s lawn.


Spanking Fest

Bureaucracy 18. Festival of Hanky-Panky Spankies. Do you like spanking? Do you like getting spanked? Do you have friends and relatives who do too? Then today is your day to go for it.

Whollyday created by Mythics of Harmonia. The holyday began at the World Domination Conference & Summit Meeting of the Mythics and D&D of the ECG in 3172.


Buremas

It is the fourth Synaptyclypse Day (23th of the Season) of the Yold. It is Cyclical Whollyday of Bureaucracy Season.

Rev. Dr. Jon tell us that there are additional seasonal days not included in the Principia Discordia. They round out the number of holydays in the Pentagon of the Year to 23.

I have no idea what these holydays are for, so they will probably end with drunken antics and hallucinogenic fugues.


Buresloth

It is the fourth Sloth Day (27th of the Season) of the Yold. It is Cyclical Whollyday of Bureaucracy Season: Buresloth.

Chaosloth is celebrated by not doing anything to celebrate it.


Pussyfoot Day

Bureaucracy 33. Dance with a Cat, Dance like a Cat, Dance with somebody who has a Cat, or just do something having to do with Cats and/or Dancing (You’re allowed to be creative in what you consider to be a “cat” and “dancing”). Or do something having to do with Feet–after all, cats have feet, and feet dance.

Foot note: Whipped cream and chocolate syrup make great foot toppings. Only advanced foot fetishists should use Catsup.


Mass of Eristotle/Mass of Planet Eris

A Whollyday occurring on 37 Bureaucracy. Known as both Mass of Eristotle and Mass of Planet Eris.

Even the scientific bureaucracy recognized our Goddess (& the Mythic Prophet Eristotle) by naming Planet X Eris on this date in 2006 CE. As of this writing, they’re calling this world a dwarf planet, but we don’t mind. We have nothing against dwarves. So celebrate our planet’s mass! (And remember, Eris’ moon Dysmonia is really Shamlicht.)


Saint Mammes Day

Mammes is twice a saint (in two religions), and this day is the 39th of Bureaucracy of the Erisian calendar and the 2nd of September of the Julian calendar, from now on it is twice the day of St. Mammes.

Commemorating the Life and Memory of Erisian and Greek Orthodox Mammes, twice canonized.

Mammes, a Cypriot hermit, lived by raising sheep, grazing goats and growing grapes. He did not pay any taxes. The Roman viceroy was angry at a shepherd who did not observe financial discipline, and sent soldiers after him. When the soldiers led the violator to the viceroy, a huge lion ran out of the forest, escaping from the circus. The soldiers, frightened, fled, and Mammes with a single movement of his hand tamed the lion and ridden on him to the viceroy. The astonished Roman freed Mammes from all taxes and duties. Since then, this saint has been the patron saint of animals and tax evaders.


Emperor Norton Proclamation Day

Bureaucracy 41. The earliest printed proclamation of the self-created Emperor appeared in 3025.

At the peremptory request of a large majority of the citizens of these United States, I, Joshua Norton, formerly of Algoa Bay, Cape of Good Hope, and now for the past nine years and ten months of San Francisco, California, declare and proclaim myself Emperor of these U.S., and in virtue of the authority thereby in me vested, do hereby order and direct the representatives of the different States of the Union to assemble in the Musical Hall of this city on the 1st day of February next, then and there to make such alterations in the existing laws of the Union as may ameliorate the evils under which the country is laboring, and thereby cause confidence to exist, both at home and abroad, in our stability and integrity.

NORTON I,
Emperor of the United States.


Bureflux

It is holyday of the season of Bureaucracy, Bureflux. Celebrated on the 50th day of that season.

The peak of Bureaucracy’s influence. This is the the greyest of the Whollydays, but it is bittersweet. True, bureaucracy is supreme on this day, but it is the last day that this is so, so celebrate the passing of Bureaucracy! Although it is true that bureaucracy passes due to the inescapable Law of Escalation, and the following season (The Aftermath) is a time of picking up the pieces, we are past the darkest time and proceed onward to the day when Joyous Chaos returns.

Coincides with Stanislav Petrov Day, when, in 1983, Soviet officer Stanislav Petrov declined to report what appeared to be a nuclear strike by the US, in clear defiance of orders, and saved an untold number of lives.

Celebration

This is a legal Discordian religious holiday, recognized by the US government, and Discordians are within their rights to demand the day off from work. This isn’t recommended for Bureflux, however, as this particular holiday is best celebrated in places of extreme bureaucracy.

This is an excellent day to perform the Paper Clip Sacrifice at your workplace.

Have an accountant party. Invite every accountant you know to it, and make all nonaccountants dress like accountants and talk constantly using accountant-like nonsense. Instead of business cards, the fake accountants should hand out Pope cards when introducing themselves.

Imbibe large quantities of your preferred intoxicant.

Pie a politician.

Make a cake shaped like a politician’s head (a phallus). Have sex with it or castrate it, as you prefer.


Shamlicht Kids Club Day

Bureaucracy 57. Lead the “Shamlicht Kids Club Song” at a club, organization or school board meeting; call a school and order five boxes of Twin Mints or Chock-a-lot Chaochip cookies; ask a friend or a total stranger to join you in the Bodyshake. Realize that no adult ever fully grows out of childhood, and that children can be very adult.


Gonculator Day

Bureaucracy 59. A time to recognize impressive and sophisticated-seeming devices that are completely useless. See how many you can find in your home or office. See how many you can sell for a large profit to those who don’t know what day this is. Those who work for major computer corporations should find this an easy holiday to celebrate.

(This holiday was inspired by an episode of Hogan’s Heroes that first aired on this date. The prisoners of war convinced members of the enemy’s Military Bureaucracy that a prisoner-made rabbit trap was actually some highly important device known as a “gonculator.” The scheme worked because no one in the military establishment was willing to admit they didn’t have the foggiest idea what the prisoners were talking about)


Mad Hatter Day

Bureaucracy 60. A day for silliness celebrated almost exactly half a year from April Fools’ Day (for those who celebrate on 6 October). Inspired by The Mad Hatter, a Discordian Saint, from the Discordian holybook Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. The Mad Hatter’s hat in the original illustrations by John Tenniel had a sale sign saying “In this style 10/6.


Habeas Corpus Remembrance Day

Bureaucracy 66. Celebrated in honor of the death of Eristotle on this date in 2948, and Emperor Norton I declaring the United States dissolved on this date in 3025. A day of Fondling and Groping, where all Discordians should grab their Legislative Representative by the privates and cry out, “Where’s my Bill of Rights, you leech!” (Note: grabbing should be figurative, not literal).


Zareye

Bureaucracy 73. Eye Day is celebrated by playing Discordian Games, meditating on the Season just passed, getting ripped off your tits, and making Terrible Mistakes in nightclubs. Make sure you carry at least 5 inches of strong, weight-bearing cord, a packet of chewing gum, a spare pair of undergarments, 144 condoms, the phone number of the local branch of the Scientologists, a small sheet of bubble wrap, and a poem by Emily Dickinson with you at all times.

Beware the Dreaded Illuminati on Eye Days. Our ancient foes stole Eye Days from us as a time to commit particularly heinous and bloodthirsty acts upon any Discordian they could capture. Make sure your membership paperwork in the AISB is up-to-date and be ready to produce it on demand. In addition, to ensure the readiness of fellow Discordians, pretend to be an inspection agent with the AISB and make surprise checks on their membership paperwork.

Many Discordians are lax on this front – feel free to reinforce this lesson using all the Großmütterlich Gefälligkeit at your disposal. Do not hold back – they may be in pain today, but they’ll thank you tomorrow.


Maladay

Aftermath 5: The Apostle Malaclypse the Elder’s Holyday. A wandering Wiseman of Ancient Mediterrania (“Med-Terra” or middle earth), who followed a 5-pointed Star through the alleys of Rome, Damascus, Baghdad, Jerusalem, Mecca and Cairo, bearing a sign that seemed to read “DOOM”. (This is a misunderstanding. The sign actually read “DUMB”.)

What better way of celebrating the end of Bureaucracy (finally) than a game of Flip the Table!?

For added enjoyment why not leave all the paperwork/briefcases/bills/handgrenades that accumulated during that, the most vile period of the year, Bureaucracy right there on the table while you flip it??? (I know, right: so obvious. But some people choose not to see the obvious in hopes they will rather see the unobvious…but they’re mostly just blind) This may even be considered a symbolic gesture and, who knows, maybe someone will be enlightened (don’t count on it though…)

An Encounter with Malaclypse the Elder

Recently, I met the most radical libertarian you could possibly imagine. Originally, I thought this fellow was quite crazy, but the more I reflected on his outlandish philosophy, the more I suspect that all libertarians could benefit from heeding his words.

We met in a bank in Luxembourg. We were both buying silver and gold (it’s theft-free in Luxembourg). I invited him for a coffee in a nearby café. I told him I was a libertarian.

“Libertarian!” he snorted. “Practically all so-called libertarians are still so conditioned and so far from the truth, they don’t know the first thing about liberty.”

I looked at him in surprise. I considered libertarians to be the leading edge of human evolution. There followed a sometimes heated discussion about many aspects and principles of libertarianism. Time and time again, this most extreme radical questioned even the words I used. For example:

“What about the laws of a country?” I asked.

“Haw, haw, haw,” my friend laughed almost hysterically. I thought he would fall off his chair. Several people in the café looked at him in bemusement. “What about the barking of copulating baboons in the zoo?” he replied.

I was bewildered. “What’s so funny?”

“My friend,” he said, “like most so-called libertarians, you don’t have the foggiest notion of what exists and what doesn’t. You believe in magical ‘laws’ like a spiritualist believes in supernatural ‘ghosts’…except…except that your belief is possibly even more absurd than that of the spiritualist. You see, I’ve heard of people who claim that they have seen ‘ghosts’; there are even purported photographs of ‘ghosts.’ But I’ve never heard of anyone who claims that he has seen a so-called ‘law,’ never mind photographed it.”

“Anyway,” I said, ” what does all this have to do with liberty?”

“My aspirant libertarian friend,” he replied, “when you free your mind from the false concepts, the misconceptions that fixate your thinking within the mental grooves fashioned by those who seek to enslave you, then you will discover what liberty really is; then you will be able to live free. Most so-called libertarians are like pigs hopelessly floundering in a cesspool of statist concepts. Just as it is impossible for a fish to imagine life on land, so it is difficult, if at all possible, for an aspirant-libertarian locked into statist concepts, to conceive life outside his or her self-created cesspool…”

For a while, we were both silent. Then, he continued, “In actuality, the whole world is libertarian. Individuals are supreme, whether they know it or not. We all have virtually unlimited choice all the time. We may assume beliefs limit our choice. We may also get ourselves into situations that where choice is limited; but those are also choices. Objectively, there are no so-called ‘states,’ ‘governments,’ ‘kings,’ ‘queens,’ etc. There never have been and there never will be. I have asked many people to show me a ‘government’ and to tell me what it looks like. Nobody has been able to do that. Of course, there are hucksters who call themselves ‘government,’ ‘king,’ or ‘president’…just as there are suckers who believe them, who blindly obey them, who blindly oppose them.

“One needs to live one’s life in accordance with actuality: What is, what exists, what occurs. So I live my life out of the context of liberty, a libertarian enclave, an anarcho-libertarian enclave. I carry it with me like an aura. I have rights: A right to life, to property, to produce, to exchange, to communicate. And my rights do not depend on the agreement of others. I am supreme. I am responsible for every aspect of my life. My self-esteem, my power, and my liberty can only be curbed by my own limitations. There are, of course, those who think otherwise, who would seek to violate my rights. When making choices, I take that into consideration.”

Suddenly, he stood up. “I need to go.”

“One last question,” I asked, with more sarcasm than I had intended, “Isn’t it lonely having escaped from the cesspool?”

“No, my friend,” he laughed gleefully, “it is not possible for a truly liberated libertarian to be lonely.”

Then I realized that I didn’t even know his name. “Please tell me your name before you go.”

“Malaclypse,” he replied.

“Not THE Malaclypse,” I asked in wonderment. “You wrote ‘Principia Discordia’?”

“No,” he replied. “That was my boy, Malaclypse the Younger. I am Malaclypse the Elder…and???”

Then, he wafted out the café – like a disappearing dream – out the door, happily swinging his briefcase, heavily laden with silver and gold, as if it were a feather…

– from The Book of Eris


Afmas

Aftermath 23. It is the fifth Synaptyclypse Day (23th of the Season) of the Yold. It is Cyclical Whollyday of Aftermath Season.

Rev. Dr. Jon tell us that there are additional seasonal days not included in the Principia Discordia. They round out the number of holydays in the Pentagon of the Year to 23.

I have no idea what these holydays are for, so they will probably end with drunken antics and hallucinogenic fugues.


Afsloth

It is the fifth Sloth Day (27th of the Season) of the Yold. It is Cyclical Whollyday of Aftermath Season: Afsloth.

Afsloth is celebrated by not doing anything to celebrate it.


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